so I've been thinking

I'm already dealing with the whole ninth grade exam stuff, aren't I? the time flies so fast, I don't know what to do about it. it's pretty stupid, thinking about that too much, but I think I have a few valid reasons. or, well, at least one.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this whole... adult life thing. or preparation for adult life. I don't even know what I want to be. I have a goal in mind, but nothing related to career.

I've wanted to be different things in my childhood. first an astronaut (who didn't?), then a lawyer or a judge (when my dad got shot, I wanted to avenge him, see), and finally a programmer.

I eventually grew stony cold to every option there.

I'm not even sure what I'm going to do. people are persuading me to take tourism courses, but is that really for me? a guide and an interpreter... an active life like that isn't for me. I'm not an active person. hell, if anything, I'm the most inactive person, save for getting out of my room every once in a while for incomprehensible reasons.

incomprehensible being food, drinking, groceries, taking garbage out, Taking A Major Dump, etc.

you know.

anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm very much capable of leading an active life like that, and I'm fairly sure I won't be able to keep up. I've never been able to keep up with anything. I'm an apathetic, melancholic person. at first I'm eager to do something, but soon enough I grow all uninterested and stuff.

not to mention all the last places I get in any competitions. I mean, fuck. oh, and guess who's the person on the 2nd lap while everyone else is on 4th, in racing games? you ain't gonna believe...

so I'm pretty conflicted about things.

I guess I'll see what this does.

I really should think less.

I, I, I... I tend to talk about myself, don't I? maybe I should stop being like that. I don't know.